His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
