My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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