just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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