the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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