So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
