There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
