dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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