apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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