I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
