On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
