My liver just broke up with me...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
