i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
