so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
