I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
