Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
