The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
