I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
