her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just wanna soil my oats bro
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
