Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
