After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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