Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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