So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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