Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
