OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
