i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
