I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
