He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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