It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
