I'm jealous of your bromance
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
