just tell him i said nine months
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we made out on top of his cat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
