It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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