in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
