I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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