Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
