and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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