my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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