Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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