i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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