i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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