You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
