So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We talked him into tasing himself.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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