They should really pass out barf bags in church
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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