I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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