i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
