i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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