At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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