His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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