sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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