I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
