You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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