You smell like a Billy Joel song
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
