I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
