I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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