You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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