I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
