WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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