Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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