On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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