I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize