I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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