Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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