I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
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